Fifty Quotations from Steven Wright

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. I went to a restaurant that serves “Breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. What’s another word for thesaurus?
5. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
8. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me—I’m afraid of widths.
9. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
10. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
11. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
12. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
13. Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.
14. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
15. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
16. I almost had a psychic girlfriend … but she left me before we met.
17. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
18. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
19. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring? How to Build a Boat.
22. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
23. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
24. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
25. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
26. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
27. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
28. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
30. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
31. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
32. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
33. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
34. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
35. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
36. If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
37. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
38. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
39. Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?
40. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
42. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
43. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
46. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
47. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
48. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
49. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
50. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.